Calls from parents asking for help for their addicted son or daughter happen regularly. I recall one woman who called telling me, “My Bobby is acting so disrespectful. I’m finding beer cans under his bed; he doesn’t have a job; he stays out all night and I have to start cooking all over again when he finally comes home.”

I asked, “How old is your Bobby?”  He was 37.   I’m not surprised when I hear the son or daughter is over 18 years old, most in their 20’s, many in their 30’s, and occasionally into their 40’s or higher.

In many cases, the son or daughter was still at home or had moved back in.  Most were staying rent free and their parents supported them with food, laundry service, money and the like.  Sometimes, when the addicted offspring broke the law, the parents paid their bail or fines.  They hoped and prayed their caring and kindness would convince their son or daughter to change.  Secretly they believed they must have done something wrong or their child would have turned out better and so they shoulder the task of continuing to raise their now adult children until they turn out right, never knowing when their work will be complete.

Worrying for their son or daughter is the first thing on their mind in the morning, and the last thing they think about at night.  They turn to us to find out one more way to try to help their “child.”   They are so desperate that they have lost sight, or even awareness of their own needs.

There’s a rule in taking such calls: The person who needs the help is the one calling you, not the person they’re calling about. Very gently, we help the parents get in touch with how much their life is hurting them.  Gently, we help them discuss their fears.  Often, it’s that their adult child might die.  They believe they have somehow failed as parents, and so they keep raising their now adult children hoping, somehow, they will turn out right.

But protecting a child of any age from the consequences of their bad behavior denies them the very message that tells them to change.  If you think about it in physical terms, it’s a no brainer. You sit on a hot radiator, and it burns your rear end. You learn – very quickly – to sit somewhere else.   Bad behavior should be that hot radiator; the consequences of a foolish or wrong choice should sting.

However, some parents put a cushion between their child’s rump and the heat. First, they tolerate little things, then bigger things.  They set a curfew with no consequences for violating it. Far from getting “burned” their children learn nothing more than “I can do this and get away with it.” And who’s to blame them?

There is no pain free way out of this kind of situation.  If it remains the same, it is agony that has no end. But change is painful too. However, that pain will be shorter and much more productive for the parents.

Parents of adult children must ask themselves the question, “What do WE want for OUR lives?”  and really listen to their own answer.  Their adult children are done being raised.  Their lives are now their own.  Most parents need help through this turmoil.  If you’re in this situation, find someone to talk to, your clergy, a counselor, a trusted friend.

Taking the first step liberates everyone, including “the kid.”