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Client: “Why do my parents always know how to push my buttons?”<\/p>\n
Therapist: “Because they installed them.”<\/p>\n
This brief exchange happened in my office. My client\u2019s problem was clear from the question she asked. She found herself reacting to her parents and, what was worse, was constantly on guard, waiting for them to say something critical that could upset her.<\/p>\n
As with many people who suffer this way, she was on guard with others too. She was hypersensitive to anything that sounded like a criticism. Her default reaction was to lash out and cry. It’s a terrible way to live.<\/p>\n
She was a very sensitive person, and such people experience their emotions strongly. They love more passionately, laugh more joyfully, and feel their pain more sharply. They can’t just blow things off; it’s not in their nature. But it\u2019s a lot of horsepower to have to tame.<\/p>\n
If she was going to find relief, get better, so to speak, she had to rephrase the question. It’s not, “Why do they push my buttons?” For the adult, the question is, “What are the buttons they\u2019re pushing and why are they still connected?”<\/p>\n
You see, once we\u2019re adults it\u2019s no longer about what others say or even about how they once treated us. We can\u2019t change the past. Today it\u2019s about how we react. And to change how we react we have to see and hear the same things differently. We\u2019re no longer boys or girls; we\u2019re men and women. She was a 45-year-old adult and no longer needed her old defenses; she just hadn\u2019t realized it yet.<\/p>\n
When you see yourself as an adult with other adults, that includes parents, you are in charge of what you feel, not them. If you want to change how you feel about something, you have to change how you see and think about it first.<\/p>\n
I asked her, “What do you think when you hear their criticism?” The phrasing of that question is important. I asked her what she thought, not how she felt. Feelings aren\u2019t facts.<\/p>\n
Her answer was, “I think they’ll never accept me as a grown woman; they’ll always find fault with me.” She believed it 100%, and because she believed it, it was true. So, she felt angry, hurt, powerless, and scared.<\/p>\n
I asked, “Is what you’re telling yourself at all helpful or realistic?”<\/p>\n
She pondered it for the moment. “Well it’s certainly not helpful; I suppose it’s not realistic either.”<\/p>\n
“So, what’s a more realistic and helpful thing for a 45-year-old woman to think?”<\/p>\n
“I\u2019m 45-year-old woman and I don’t have to believe them when they talk that way. I know who I am today even if they don\u2019t. Everyone will survive.”<\/p>\n
“What do you feel now?”<\/p>\n
“Calmer, safer.”<\/p>\n
She had disconnected the button she once let her parents push. A lot of growth and insight followed as she rethought her life on her terms and disconnected other buttons as she came across them. She finished counseling successfully with the tools to deal with any future buttons she might discover.<\/p>\n
No matter who installed them, as adults our buttons get pushed because they\u2019re still connected. They get pushed because of what we tell ourselves about ourselves. To disconnect them and to have a better life, we have to tell ourselves a different story, one about who we are and what we\u2019re capable of today, not who we once were.<\/p>\n
When we do that, no one can push our buttons.<\/p>\n
There are no buttons left to push.<\/p>\n
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Client: “Why do my parents always know how to push my buttons?” Therapist: “Because they installed them.” This brief exchange happened in my office. My client\u2019s problem was clear from the question she asked. She found herself reacting to her parents and, what was worse, was constantly on guard, waiting for them to say something […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":100296,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"[et_pb_section fb_built=\"1\" _builder_version=\"4.23.1\" _module_preset=\"default\" global_colors_info=\"{}\" theme_builder_area=\"post_content\" custom_padding=\"7px|||||\"][et_pb_row _builder_version=\"4.23.1\" _module_preset=\"default\" global_colors_info=\"{}\" theme_builder_area=\"post_content\" custom_padding=\"12px|||||\"][et_pb_column type=\"4_4\" _builder_version=\"4.23.1\" _module_preset=\"default\" global_colors_info=\"{}\" theme_builder_area=\"post_content\"][et_pb_text _builder_version=\"4.23.1\" _module_preset=\"default\" global_colors_info=\"{}\" theme_builder_area=\"post_content\"]
My client was discussing the angst one her aunts constantly put herself through. Day in, day out it was the same litany of complaints whenever she visited. She mused that there must be something in it for her because she showed no inclination to change anything, just complain about it. Then she said something wonderful.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s in her uncomfortable comfort zone.\u201d<\/p>\n
The simplicity and wisdom of that sentence bowled me over. It was the perfect explanation for why some people stay in bad situations. And it applies to so many areas!<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve counseled many who weren\u2019t happy with their job. It was a chore to go to work; they constantly grumbled about it. If I ask, \u201cAre you actively looking for another job, one that would pay better, have better hours or maybe be more fulfilling?\u201d some answer, \u201cNo.\u201d The reasons include \u201cI\u2019ve been there so long why change now?\u201d or \u201cWhat else is there?\u201d Counseling someone in a toxic relationship often produces the same answers.<\/p>\n
From jobs, to relationships, to marriages, to a doctor who isn\u2019t helping the person get better, the examples can be endless. I\u2019m sure you can think of people who fit the profile - maybe you\u2019re one of them.<\/p>\n
Your \u201cuncomfortable comfort zone\u201d can be like an old broken recliner. Sure, it might have a spring or two poking out and jabbing you in the back. But you can put a pillow on it or shift how you sit and remember the good old days when it was new and felt good.<\/p>\n
When I help a client explore their situation and options, some opt to keep things the same. And that\u2019s fine. People have the right to choose how they want to live. But if the choice is to not change anything, I tell them they then sacrificed the right to complain about it.<\/p>\n
Or as I like to put it:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're straddling a fence with a picket halfway up your butt and complaining you\u2019re uncomfortable. Pick a side!\u201d<\/p>\n
I have to pass along my all-time favorite \u201cDear Abby\u201d letter and her reply. A 38-year-old wrote he was unhappy in his job and really wanted to be a lawyer. However, he bemoaned, \u201cAbby, that will take 7 years. By then I\u2019ll be 45 years old!\u201d Her reply was priceless.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow old will you be in 7 years if you don\u2019t do it?\u201d<\/p>\n
This may be a good point to wrap up. We\u2019re not always to blame for the uncomfortable situation we find ourselves it. No one enters a marriage hoping it will be terrible, a job hoping for miserable working conditions, or stays with a physician hoping they\u2019ll fail to successfully treat them. But if change is going to happen, it\u2019s up to us to do it.<\/p>\n
Uncomfortableness exists to tell us to change something. It tells us to take the pebble out of our shoe, turn up the thermostat, tighten the dripping faucet or slow down on an icy road.<\/p>\n
Uncomfortableness isn\u2019t an enemy, it\u2019s a teacher.<\/p>\n
This year why not make a resolution to listen more closely to it and what it\u2019s trying to teach. Then your comfort zone will truly be a comfort.<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[50],"tags":[],"dipi_cpt_category":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100319"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=100319"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100319\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":100347,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100319\/revisions\/100347"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/100296"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=100319"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=100319"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=100319"},{"taxonomy":"dipi_cpt_category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paneconsulting.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/dipi_cpt_category?post=100319"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}